This post is slightly different.
I decided a while ago that it’d be a good idea to write a letter to my body. Mainly because I find writing things down sometimes helps. But also because I feel, at times, completely disconnected from my body. Like my mind is really strong and knows what I want but my body is uncooperative at best. I often hear myself, when in pain, saying things to my body out loud. Like “You’ve got to be joking” “WHHYYYYY?” and “Can you stop it now please”
So here goes. It’s not a happy read, but as my blog says, it’s an honest one.
I’m writing largely due to being fed up. I just want to get a few things off my chest.
Firstly, are we in this together? Are you with me? Or is it me against you? Because I’m fighting, I’m trying really hard to be ok and to get through these days… I just feel like you aren’t on my side, I feel like you’re fighting the wrong thing even though I’m doing everything I can to get you to calm down, you just keep kicking and screaming.
I hope you know you are doing us both a lot of harm, some of which can’t be reversed and is only going to make it harder for you later on.
I mean, there are days when I feel like you get it. I get all positive and make a plan and really hope that you’ll see the benefits and take a chill pill. And there have been times when you have relaxed and stopped the rebellion for a day or even a week … but it always ends up the same if not worse and I always end up just as frustrated with you if not more so because once again my efforts have been in vain.
Just to let you know, I’ve been to the doctors. Yep that’s right! I realised that I can’t make this better alone. So I’ve enlisted the help of experts and people who want to help.
So I’m sorry that you keep having blood taken and that I keep plying you with medicines and painkillers. But please know I am doing it for us. So that we can go back to a time when I didn’t dislike you so much. A time when you weren’t out of control and you actually listened to me.
Remember when we ran 10k? You carried me through those 6 miles even when I thought I couldn’t. You made me realise back then when I didn’t want to run it wasn’t because I couldn’t. It was because my mind couldn’t. But now the tables really have turned. Because I really want to do stuff, all sorts of stuff. I want to go running, I want to wear heels and go out and drink with my friends, I want to jump out of bed in the morning. But you’ve decided you aren’t in the mood these days.
So I will not stop trying to figure you out and make things right between us again, but until then do you think you could at least try and be a bit nicer? Just give me a few days off from the pain and fatigue? Because it must be exhausting for you to right? And whilst your busy doing your thing, you’re forgetting we are only 23 and I can think of a million things I’d rather be doing that this.
I’m sorry I’m being mean Body, but I don’t know how else to feel towards you anymore.
So just cut it out yeah?
Because I’m really trying to love you again.
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(Any opinions expressed in Jessie-May’s blog are not necessarily shared by Arthur’s Place. Nothing that you read in Jessie-May’s blog constitutes medical advice.)