Hello. I’m Jak, and I have arthritis. To get it out of the way I am purely writing from my own perspective and experiences, and if any of the content is something that you can relate to and makes you feel like there’s someone in your corner, awesome. I am in no way a medical professional or any kind of sex therapist. However, I do think the character of Jean Milburn in the show ‘Sex Education’ is an absolute icon. I am fortunate enough to be on medication that works for me, though I’m not without my moments. I am also a gay man, but that really shouldn’t come into play much in the content of this article. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s dive under the covers.

Communication is key

Sex is great. It should be fun and enjoyable for everyone involved while having any limits and boundaries respected and of course being consensual. Communication is key. As mentioned, I am on medication that works and am lucky enough to go most of the time without pain. However, there have been instances in the bedroom where certain positions have felt uncomfortable and triggered aches and pains. It’s not necessarily the same positions each time and it’s not usually every time, but when it does happen, I just ask to stop.

I have been fortunate enough to have sexual partners (and now a boyfriend) where conversation has been important and have had no problem explaining that I have arthritis. In the instance that something hurts and doesn’t feel right I just say so and everything stops (as it should). I won’t deny that it felt a bit embarrassing at first to say to stop. I was worried it would make things awkward but when it did happen everything was fine. I was heard and respected and that helped get over my own feelings of embarrassment and realise that health and wellbeing was absolutely more important. I’ll say it again, communication is key. If you’re speaking to someone who doesn’t think communication is worthwhile, well then, they’re not worth your time and you should steer well clear of them.

Talking to others.. I wasn’t alone

At some point I started to have issues when it came to having a wee, and it wasn’t until talking with others that I found out I wasn’t alone, a few had experienced similar problems.

Sometimes when I go to the loo I can think I’m done and then soon after go again, like I wasn’t actually finished the first time. On the other end it can also feel like I need to go to the loo and then nothing happens, but the feeling is still there, so I stick around just in case. Now in sex, this feeling can happen for me anyway, so I get doubly worried that there’s going to be an accident in the heat of the moment and when the feeling arises, I get anxious. It’s never happened and I’m less worried about it now that I can tell myself it’s just the feeling, but it would stress me out and ruin the mood for me and I was nervous that the other party would notice. Again, communication is key, find someone you can talk about it all with.

Plenty of ways to be intimate

Now let’s come to the title of the article. I might not struggle with pain as much but boy howdy do I get tired a lot. Sex can be exhausting and sometimes not always in a fun way. My boyfriend has never pressured me into sex and never would (otherwise he wouldn’t be my boyfriend). However, when I’m too tired to have sex, I get this feeling of guilt (which is stupid you should never feel guilty for being too tired to have sex or for just not wanting to have sex in general).

I think it’s more the fact that I do want to have sex and be intimate with my boyfriend, but I can’t. Obviously, I want to look after myself and my boyfriend wants me to look after myself as well, but it’s frustrating when you want to be intimate with someone that way, but it’s just not going to happen. There are plenty of other ways to be intimate with a partner though. I’m a sucker for cuddling and it always makes me feel better.

Find someone who listens

On the whole, arthritis can play a role in sex and intimacy, but it doesn’t have to be this looming presence. When it comes to picking a sexual partner, find someone who listens and who makes you feel comfortable enough so that you can explain your condition and how it might affect things in the bedroom. Communication is sexy. If you can do that, should the need to stop arise, you will feel at ease and supported in saying so.