I don’t normally do this, but after spending the other day trying to clean my room and prepare for a date, I thought I’d talk about my day.
I am quite a perfectionist and house-proud so I am always embarrassed and disappointed with the state of my room. It is always cluttered and my idea of dirty which always gets me down. However due to my depression I rarely want to clean it, and when I do, my arthritis stops me. It is the most frustrating thing.
From midday, I did my clothes washing, tidied behind my bed/under my window, cleaned the clutter on my desk, bookshelf and chest of drawers. And yet, it still looks messy and cluttered. The tops of my shelves I don’t doubt are still dusty. And I can’t bear to look in my wardrobe or under my bed as I am positive there is a load of rubbish and mess there.
I spent thirty minutes in the shower; sitting on the bath seat as standing up too long is painful, trying to shave my legs. I can only shave for a few minutes before I must have a mini-break and relax. I am very lucky to have a bath seat which makes it easier to shower and easier to stand up again as it’s not so low down.
I wanted to enjoy this date and go clubbing and to bars like I used to but I was terrified that my arthritis would prevent me enjoying myself. It was going to be a first date so we hadn’t discussed physical/mental conditions yet.
Standing up in a club being on my feet for a long period of time terrifies me as I usually cannot stand for too long.
It got to 10pm and I started feeling intense exhaustion and dizzy due to pain. I knew I couldn’t go on the date. As usual the intense feelings of guilt and failure overwhelmed me. I texted the girl and I could feel her disappointment radiate through the text response. And, because I cancelled at the last minute, I felt like I wouldn’t get another chance, another date.
Her response was overwhelmingly positive after I apologised profusely, expressing how much pain and exhaustion I felt and how guilty I felt. She said she’d try again, and ask me to go for food earlier in the day. She told me “Don’t worry, the second attempt will be better.”
I am still nervous today that I will not get a second chance; maybe I will, maybe I won’t. But I’ve decided that if it’s meant to happen, it will. – Sez x
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(Any opinions expressed in Sez’s blog are not necessarily shared by Arthur’s Place. Nothing that you read in Sez’s blog constitutes medical advice.)